Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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