The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
