Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
