a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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