College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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