Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
