I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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