Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
