Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
handjob tips. give me some.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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