hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
