I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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