WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
