Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
