I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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