38 yer olds are good kisserssss
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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