i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
