Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
