I wish I could teleport
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
