Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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