a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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