I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
