I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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