Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
