So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
