I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
