I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
