WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
