You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
