upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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