There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
birth control should be required to get into college
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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