Whoa Z and x make the same sound
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
