After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
