I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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