The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
