omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
