When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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