I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
