Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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