3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
