im six kinds of drunk right now
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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