Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
