Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is wine microwaveable?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
