I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i think my cat just said my name.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
