you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
