They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
