you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
