so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
