the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
