The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
