i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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