I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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